Looking at myself

Don't stare at that picture too long. It'll mess you up.

Its easy for me to not look at myself. My mental video camera goes throughout the day filming those around me. I observe and react, but I can often forget to turn the camera around and look at myself. When I finally do search my own heart and actions I realize I've been pretending. Somehow I have both an inflated and deflated view of myself at the same time.

I know. That doesn't make sense, but its true. I have an inflated view that says, "I can handle this. I know what I'm doing. I'm actually pretty smart. I'm doing so much better than so many people. Those around me would really be in trouble if I weren't there to save the day over and over again."

And I have a deflated view that says almost the exact opposite: "You are such a joke. You don't even understand what's going on. Man, you are a hypocrite. You don't have the energy, endurance or skill to achieve that."

Let me be clear, that's what goes through my head when I am NOT really looking at myself. That's what I TELL myself I will see in the mirror when i finally wipe the fog away. What I actually end up seeing is a surprise. I see the real me. Each time I am surprised to find out that I haven't really changed that much since the last time I took a good look. More importantly I see the greater truth and it makes me laugh. Why do I laugh?

Because I fell for it again. I fell for that lie that says my achievements are the most important thing about me. I fell for that age old lie again and got myself all worked up. The truth is what I think of myself isn't really that important after all. The most important thing about me is what I believe about God, or to state it more absolutely, what God believes about me.

Its that perspective that makes ALL the difference. What does God believe about you? Why do you think that? Now those are some important questions. Don't go too long without answering them.